Diwali 2009

16th to 18th October this year. One of the most awaited festivals of India. The brightest, and noisiest festival, the 'Festival of Lights', Diwali.

Twisted Tales from the past go so many thousands of years back that no body can confirm the truth anymore as to why this festival is celebrated. Is it because Rama returned to Ayodhya? Or because Lord Krishna killed Narakasura? Or because Jainism and Sikhism have special significance on this day? Who knows? Lets just settle with 'victory of good over evil' for now. But one thing's for sure, the whole of India goes berserk during this festival.

Other than the whitewashing of houses, distribution of sweets, lighting of lamps, performing poojas, etc., the most awaited 'spectacle' of day involves fireworks.

The nights are no longer dark nights. They are filled with lights and sounds creating breath-taking views across entire regions. Having celebrated this festival with much enthusiasm all through my life, I should have been bored with the regularities. But somehow the energy in the air is so addictive that it pulls you in like a magnet.

This year I was left 'handicapped' without a camera at my disposal. Over the last few years, I found great solace in capturing interesting photographs of fireworks in action, rather than contributing to the noise and air pollution. And the lack of a camera this year really sky-rocketed my frustration/anger levels. While the pollution levels around rose to crazy numbers, my brain was having an internal civil war with my body. Should I go out and have fun? Should I really? What could be a possible reason to celebrate? I had none. On the contrary, I had every reason to stay silent and subdued.

I happily chose not to involve myself in any buying, but did end up at the fireworks shop to satisfy the rest of my family. After all, why should they suffer for my weirdo behaviour? I also ended up holding a few sparklers and lighting a few fireworks to reflect the happiness on the others' faces. Like magic I was transformed. I became part of the celebration in no time. The happiness was infectious. Go ahead, have some fun. It's something you need desperately.

Letting myself loose was probably one of the best things I did this month and the satisfaction is something I hope would linger. But obviously it won't and it can't.

Diwali is about 'lighting your inner self'. Have I achieved that? Probably. Probably not. I can't make out the difference anymore. Am I happy? Am I sad? Or am I suspended somewhere in between? I can't answer that too. Which way is up? Which way is down? I can't tell.

Diwali has ended. Other than leaving behind lots of pollution, what has changed? Nothing. No 'inner light'. No light at all!

Maybe I must let things move on a little. Let things ease up a little. Probably I'll be able to pinpoint my location then and move the right direction.

Discover a problem, find a possible solution and wait.

I wait.

Still waiting... still knocking at Heaven's Door.